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5 Minutes to Kill (Yourself) (2010)

May 30, 2011

VERDICT:

3/10 Reasons to Actually Kill (Yourself)

So, I know Tuesday I’m supposed to write about the “Poll of the Week,” but I thought I would wait for that. Since I just put the new poll up 3 days ago, there are only a few votes, so I’ll give it another week. Saying that, I wish I hadn’t skipped writing about the poll, because this game was a huge waste of time.

Adult Swim Games has some of the most random/weird online flash games around. From robot unicorns spreading rainbows, to a backyard surgeon stitching up his buddy’s chest after the most red-neck open heart surgery possible. So, to fit the bill, we get 5 Minutes to Kill (Yourself).

The objective of the game is to, well, kill yourself in 5 minutes. The guy hates his job, he gets an annoying TPS report (I think it is missing the cover sheet, or something like that), and he decides to kill himself in the office to shove it in his superiors’ faces. I don’t know how that works, but this guy has a very twisted mind, I guess it makes sense to him. So, what makes this game a 3 out of 10?

First, the controls are terrible. With the camera angle given, using the arrow keys take a while to get used to. Left is up, down is left, and well, you get the point. To go along with these terrible controls, the movements are really sensitive, so getting in front of an item to hurt yourself takes so long. When the whole point of the game is to find items to kill yourself, and it takes forever to actually get an item, oh, and it’s all timed… yeah, all these add up to a recipe for a terrible game.

Second, there are so many little problems with the production of the game. Once you start the game, there is no pause button or menu button. You start the 5 minutes and you can’t finish them until the timer runs out or you hit “refresh” for the page. Also, after playing the game a dozen times, I had glitches and my character froze maybe 3 or 4 times. Again, when you can’t restart your session, glitches become very annoying.

So, what does this game have to make it fun? It’s pretty damn brutal. Sure, it’s a little out there, but if you’re searching for games on Adult Swim, you should know what you’re getting into… and that is a lot of blood and gruesome deaths. Here are some of the more frequent ways to hurt your character (the more brutal ones take combining items to find):

Most Brutal Ways to Die:

– Sticking your face in a paper shredder. Not the best way to get rid of sensitive paperwork, but definitely the best way to get rid of your face.

– Try to bother your boss and get attacked by a family of weasels.  I don’t know what to say about this one, but this was probably the weirdest way to die. Who keeps violent weasels?

– Find a lighter, then find a fire extinguisher. Aim towards face. That’s gotta hurt.

– Put a donkey piñata on your head and wait for your co-workers to start trying to bash some candy out of your head. That’s literally what they try to do… they actually yell, “give me some candy!”

– Have a clown stab the crap out of you in a bathroom stall? Yeah, I don’t know why there are clowns in an office, but they do some good work with those blades homie.

Sure, these all sound pretty crazy and enjoyable to watch (if you’re trying to grow up to be the next John Wayne Gacy), but when it comes down to it, this game is pointless. The map consists of one large office space, and three other small rooms (the bosses office, bathroom, and break room), so the game becomes very repetitive. Sure, taking a stapler to the face can be a good way of killing yourself, but having to do it 7 times to actually make a dent in the character’s health can get boring.

If you want to see some blood, playing this game for just one 5 minute session would do the trick. Just one turn and you can see all the different ways to die, and the game is over. I also gave the sequel to this game a shot, and while it does have a better way of controlling the character (mouse click and hold), it still only has a limited amount of items to hurt the character. Although the game has been improved, it would only take 2 turns to see everything, and the game is over. Oh, and the second game has a butt-ton of loading time, so, that makes it even worse.

Play 5 Minutes to Kill (Yourself)

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